The Worst Spanish Movie Title Translations In The World…Ever

There is nothing like and extremely niche blog subject to guarantee no one ever will bother to read it.  Inspired by my travels around Latin America where I started to notice some very odd film titles on well known films I decided to put together a few of my favourites.


The reasons for these linguistic oddities are obvious.  Some titles just do not translate well, their subtly and double meaning lost in translation like Dandelion seeds on a gusty day. As a result distributors need to improvise and cater to movie tastes that may be less sophisticated than those in the established English speaking countries.  Hence much word based hilarity when the titles are translated back into their native English.  Those kraazeee latinos!

Film: Die Hard

Spanish Title: Jungla de Cristal

Translation: The Crystal Jungle

The movie poster promises forty floors of action and adventure. Not sure how much action occurred on floor 12 of the Nakatomi Plaza as the bulk of the action centred on the lobby "Do you think you really have a chance against us, Mr Cowboy?" and the roof " Figure we take out the terrorists. Lose twenty, twenty-five percent of the hostages, tops. I can live with that."

Not a completely off the wall translation as John McLane’s shimmying down elevator cables and treading barefoot on shattered windows does give the illusion of Willis racing around a steel and glass jungle.

Film: Ferris Beuller’s Day Off

Spanish Title: Todo En Un Dia (O Como Montarselo Bien)

Translation: Everything In A Day (Or How To Have A Good Time)

 I like this one.  There is something quite innocent and charming about this translation.  Ferris does indeed get up to a lot of mischief during his day playing hookey including stealing a Ferrari 250GT, watching a Cubs game and riding a parade float. 

When I bunked of school that one time the most I got up to was a kickabout in a local park.  We only all got caught because there was a fire alarm and a register was taken.  My Dad was surprisingly sanguine about he whole affair. But I digress.

Film High Plains Drifter

Spansih Title: Infierno de Cobardes

Translation: A Coward’s Hell

 Not such a odd translation as the dusty mining town of Lago is painted red and rechristened “Hell” at the behest of Eastwood’s mysterious stranger in this top notch Western. He takes advantage of its townsfolk who offer him anything he wants to protect them from a marauding gang of outlaws. 

They soon show themselves to be backstabbing, lily-livered varmints who crumble at the force of a few gunslingers as soon as Eastwood isn’t there to protect them.

Barber:"What did you say your name was again?"

Eastwood: "I didn't!"

Film: The Adjustment Bureau

Spanish Title: Destino Oculto

Translation: Hidden Destination

Based on the Philip K Dick short story The Adjustment Team about a shadowy Big Brother type organisation which “adjusts” peoples lives to fit a nebulous grand plan. Think Men in Black meets 1984, Matt Damon plays the put on David Norris who tries to take it to “The Man” with mixed results. The spanish strapline is

"They stole his future, Now he wants it back"

This is a piss poor translation as they barely seem to have bothered choosing anything relevant to the film.  Could the hidden destinations referto the secret doors the Bureau use to zip between locations?

They may as well have called it “You Are Nothing But Puppets!”

Film: Sideways

Spanish Title: Entre Copas

Translation: Inbetween Drinks

Paul Giamatti has a mid life crisis, gets depressed and drinks lots of wine in this whip-smart indie flick.  Seeing as he spends a lot of time visiting Santa Barbara’s vineyards this is quite an appropriate title and perhaps an allegory to the state of Giamatti’s life that is slipping by between glasses of Pinot Noir.

Film:True Grit

Spanish Title El Valor de Ley

Translation: The Benefit of Law

A rather bland but apt translation as Haillee Steinfeld gets both a US Marshall (the taciturn Jeff Bridges) and a Texas Ranger (arrogant Matt Damon) on her side as she tracks her father’s murderer in this better-than-the-original remake.

Seeing as the Cogburn saves her ass at the end, the benefit of law in this case is quite a considerable one. Spanish strapline:
"The punishment always arrives"

Film: Inception

Spanish Title: El Origen

Translation: The Origin

Your mind is the scene of the crime claims the poster. Interesting that the translator stays true to the cryptic nature of the film with another cryptic title obliquely referencing the fact that viewers will have trouble establishing which reality they are witnessing as DiCaprio’s travels deeper into his subconscious.

Film: Knocked Up

Spanish Title: Ligeramente Embarazada

Translation: Lightly Pregnant

Taking the joke that you can’t be a lapsed virgin or a casual suicide bomber to its logical conclusion this is a fairly decent effort and shows even Latinos have a sense of humour. Viewers are asked to be generous with their artistic licence and believe that afro-haired fat-body Seth Rogen realistically would have a cat in hells chance of impregnating the beautiful Katherine Heigl. 

Sadly the distributors opted not to go for  ”La Concepcion Improbable.”

Film: Get Him To The Greek

Spanish Title: Todo Sobre Mi Desmadre

Translation: All About My Mess

The “mess” in question refers to the wild ride of drug taking & groupie shagging partaken by egotistical rock star Aldous Huxley (played with unerring conviction by Russell Brand).  The “Greek” in the title refers to the theatre Huxley is playing in his comeback show.

Film-makers should follow this simple equation: Stupid title in English = bland title in Spanish

Exploding Helicopter - Avengers Assemble

The geek shall inherit the earth; or so it seems, as these days every other cinematic release seems to be a comic book adaptation. The Avengers Assemble has got the fan-boys salivating due to it containing not one but six superheroes each fighting for the Oscar for “Best Use of Tights in a Movie”

The Avengers have been assembled from around the world as the Earth is threatened by Loki (Tom Hiddleston), the Norse god of campness, who intent on world domination has stolen an energy cube of unlimited power called the Tesseract who he plans to give to the leader of a hostile alien race in exchange for a subservient army he can use to subjugate the citizens of the earth. MWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!! All complete cobblers of course but hey, what were you expecting? Schindler’s List?

At the start of the film Loki manages to steal the Tesseract from a remote research facility and as he makes his escape triggers a huge implosion that opens up the ground and swallows up the entire army base. Nick Fury (Samuel Jackson) escapes the devastation in the nick of time and chases down the power crazed Loki and his brainwashed team in a military chopper.

He catches up with Loki who sends up a plasma shot from his sceptre that whacks into the helicopters tail causing into to lose altitude and spin. It goes down hard with rotors whipping into the mud as it skids to a halt. Despite plenty of flame and loose shrapnel the helicopter's chassis stays in one piece allowing Fury to scramble out looking a bit dustier then before. They obviously make helicopters a bit tougher these days.

Artistic merit

This is a terrible case of director Joss Whedon fluffing his lines by not giving the public what they want i.e a decent helicopter explosion. EHHQ are noticing a worrying trend of helicopters withstanding huge impacts without going up in flames. A salutary lesson that advances in technology do not always benefit us all.

Exploding helicopter innovation

None really, If I had a pound for every helicopter downed by alien hordes with plasma weapons I’d have £6.

Do passengers survive?

Yes, Nick Fury emerges dazed but resolutely alive. Rule 3 of exploding helicopter law. If a major character who is a “good guy” goes down in a chopper he will live to tell the tale.

Positives:

Whilst I did not enjoy it as much as Iron Man (which stands alone as a cohesive and entertaining film irrespective of superhero fairy dust) The Avengers is a fun movie. With its smart dialogue and galaxy of A-listers it comes across as a comic book Oceans’ Eleven.

Robert Downey Jnr is his usual charismatic self and steals most of his scenes. Mark Ruffalo makes for a likeable and plausible Hulk and brings back the vulnerability and nuances that Ed Norton fought for in the superior sequel to The Hulk.

The action sequences are, as you would expect, retina-searingly superb and the climactic mega battle over the NYC skyline does feel like a high octane rollercoaster ride. Although converted in post production the film it is well worth forking out the extra £2 to watch in 3D.

Negatives:

Whilst a solid movie I felt Avengers Assemble, as is typical with Hollywood these days, was overlong and flabby in places. The story is the typical convoluted fantasy nonsense that you would expect when shoehorning all these great superhero characters into one story for teenage loners to jizz over. But it has got universally good reviews, so what the f*ck do I know.

Chris Hemsworth acting is as wooden as the handle on Thor’s hammer and Scarlett Johansen as Agent Natasha Romanov/Black Widow only special power, as far as I can tell, is the ability to look foxy in a cat suit. She doesn’t even bother with a Russian accent.

Speaking of accents why does Hollywood still insist on making all its sound English? The licence fee is being pretty well spent if Asgardians are able to receive BBC World Service in order to practice their diction before taking over the Earth.

Oh, and Loki is the gayest supervillain since Larry Grayson donned a turban and played Jafar, the evil Sorcerer, in the South Shields season of Aladdin in 1975.

Favorite Quote:

(Tony Stark to Bruce Banner on his ability to keep the Hulk under control):

“You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?”

Interesting Fact :

Ed Norton is known to be a “challenging” actor and it is common knowledge that he made director Louis Leterrier rewrite the script to The Incredible Hulk in order to reduce the action and focus on the emotional elements of the film. He was all set to reprise his role in The Avengers until Marvel got cold feet. Studio head Kevin Feige released this statement.

"We have made the decision to not bring Ed Norton back to portray the title role of Bruce Banner in The Avengers. Our decision is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members.”

Ouch. In effect what he is saying is that Norton is prima donna and they want to work with someone who is cheaper and less hassle. Norton being a class act has resisted the temptation to be dragged into a war of words but his agent came back saying Marvel’s statement was

“Unprofessional, disingenuous and clearly defamatory”.

The lesson here? Don’t p*ss off Ed Norton’s agent. You won’t like him when he’s angry.

TV Review - Louis Theroux Extreme Love: Dementia

In the UK we don’t like to talk about old people.  Out of sight and out of mind is the policy we adopt.  Once you reach a certain age you will be quietly told your services are not required and you will relegated to the margins of society as you cease to become “useful”.  You will then be expected to stay nice and quiet tending to your garden, drinking your Horlicks or even better dumped in a care home where other people can worry about you. 

More importantly you will be expected to stay out of the eye line of the young who you are constantly burdening with your cardigan-clad presence, a constant reminder of the insidious threat of their mortality.

If you thought last weeks episode on autism pulled at the heart strings this weeks subject of dementia is the equivalent of an Ethiopian baby with flies on his face. In America 1 in 8 people under 65 suffer from Alzheimer’s and that figure goes up to 1 in 2 for those aged 85 and over.  That means pretty much everyone is going to be touched with the long bony finger of senility at some point in their lives.

This time Louis was in Phoenix, dementia capital of America due to the deluge of retirees who go there to roost.  He visits upscale care home Beatitudes whose philosophy of “redirecting” rather then drugging confused residents unwittingly creates comedy amongst the tragedy.  Carers manage to calm distressed patients and stop them walking out by playing along with their delusions.

“We tell white lies all day long here. All day”

One such sufferer is ladies man Gary Gilliam who at 69 is Beatitudes youngest resident.  We see him roaming the corridors trying to find the front door.  Funny, mobile and intelligent on the face of it there is nothing wrong with him.  Problem is he still thinks he is a practising dentist stationed on a military base.  Every so often he will pack his bags thinking it was time to ship out only to be cajoled into staying by carers who “redirect” him by getting him to look at their teeth.  He lives in a twilight world of partially remembered reality, a Groundhog Day of confusion.

When asked he tells Louis he isn’t married even though Carla his wife of 26 yrs comes to visit him every week.  In fact during one of Louis visits he takes them both out to lunch but things get complicated when Gary drags along one of his care home girlfriends. He puts his arm around her whilst his wife just walks ahead.  Carla is also aware that other things are going on at Beatitudes. She has also seen another woman go into his room and take her clothes off

“I don’t know what happens after that”

She is remarkably sanguine about the change in the dynamic of their relationship and his lack of recognition but perhaps she is just keeping a brave face for the cameras.

“I’m just his buddy…I realise it’s not him.  It’s the disease”

What are her feelings at this point?

“I’ve always loved him. I’m so saddened by this. I never thought I’d see him in this position”

Another touching story is that of John & Nancy Vaughan.  Not able to come up with the $4000 a month it takes for private care John 88, has no choice but to look after his 89yr old wife in throws of Alzheimer’s who has

“Many of the same needs as a very large toddler”

She still had the sparkle in her eye but her husband estimates that only about 30% Nancy’s mind is left intact.  She struggles with the basic elements of memory such as her name and her husband had taken to wearing a name badge and to sticking their wedding photos on the wall to prove to her in her moments of confusion that he is her husband.

Louis:“Nancy, what is your name?”
Nancy:“At this point? Nancy?”
Louis: “And your maiden name?”
Nancy: “Bread”

John had the patience of Jove but had taken to deep breathing exercises to manage his frustration.  To give Louis a taste of what he had to deal with John goes out for a well earned breather and leaves Louis to it. Before he goes Louis asks for advice.

“Are there any things that redirect Nancy to a positive place”?
“You’re the improvisation man”

Louis quickly runs out of ideas and the 5 hours he spends with Nancy turn into the longest day of his life.  When John comes back Nancy doesn’t know who he is.  After they get reacquainted Nancy asks her husband

“Do you like me?”
“Much more than that.”
“Sex?”

Their relationship is love in its purest form.  We should not pity them for they have been blessed with an all encompassing bond that most of us can only hope to emulate.  They are the dictionary definition of till death us do part.

Perhaps because the encroaching shadow of dementia affects us all I was profoundly moved by this programme perhaps more than any other of Louis documentaries.  Most of the carers battle through each day living for the fragments of recognition, the gaps of light through the curtains where the true personality of the sufferer comes to the surface.  As time goes on these luminescent moments become less and less.  It is heartbreaking.

One panicked husband whose wife is rapidly falling victim to aggressive type of Alzheimer’s succinctly condenses the worry that all of us must feel when confronted with the problem

“What’s it going to be like when you’re with the person you have been with for so many years and they don’t remember you?”

Captivating, thought-provoking, funny and sad this might be Louis' finest work.  You MUST watch this programme and can do so here.

TV Review- Louis Theroux Extreme Love: Autism

It has to be every parent’s worst nightmare to have a child born with a disability.  The children’s parties you were planning?  Forget them. Those kick-a-bouts in the park? Not going to happen. Aspirations that your child might be a doctor or a lawyer? Nothing more then pipe dreams.  Your horizons are likely to be hugely diminished as you face an emotional, tiring, interminable grind with very little reward.  No matter how much love you have for that child there must always be a part of you thinking “Why me?”

Louis Theroux’s latest documentary Extreme Love: Autism is not his usual jokey take on life on the margins of society.  The emotion it elicits from the viewer is predominantly one of sympathy. He takes a behind the scenes look at the human impact of a neurological disorder that affects 1 in a 100 people but has baffled doctors who have no clue as to its cause or cure.

In his traditional American stomping ground of New Jersey Louis spends time with a few families associated with the pioneering DLC School whose aim is to provide basic life skills in order to integrate kids into the mainstream.  At times the place does resemble One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest with kids freaking out and attacking staff who do an incredibly difficult and challenging job with pupils that are often unable to express themselves in a normal way.  Autistic children normally find most social interaction extremely difficult, as Louis quickly learns when he is routinely blanked by a number of kids in the programme.

One such child is Marcelo, who will fly into hysterics when he does not get his way or if his routine is changed. Just watching him regress into toddler-mode in the back of the car when his mum fails to stop at the supermarket is a draining experience. Later Marcelo refuses to get his hair cut, goes ballistic and Louis only manages to placate him with a video of Peppa Pig on his iPhone.

 Marcelo’s parents admit it has taken a strain on their marriage.  They have two autistic children and Paula confides:

“God forgive me but I don’t get much enjoyment from them”

As they discuss how all the fun has drained out of their marriage it gets too much for the husband and he has to leave the room as he dissolves into tears.  Your heart goes out to him.  Louis asks them what it is they hope for, a miracle perhaps.

“Silence” the wife replies.

Another challenging kid is Brian. A burly teenager with an obsession for food he has had to be housed in a special care home and only sees his mother at the weekends.  Turns out he burnt down the family home and assaulted his mother and had to be removed for everybody’s safety. Louis goes for drive with them and looks a little nervous as Brian constantly stares at him.

“Brian seems quite sociable”

Louis declares optimistically.  Later Louis is left to interact with him and the trademark autistic unpredictability rears its head when apropos of nothing Brian takes off his clothes and hunts for food in the kitchen in just his pants.

“He loves to eat” explains his mum.

The school has helped him control some of his rages and his mother explains that he used to choke and hit her when he didn’t get his way.

“Things were absolutely unbearable”

It’s not all doom and gloom though.  Nicky is a likeable character that seems to have been able to make a monumental improvement with his condition and proves for some there is light at the end of a long dark tunnel. From being diagnosed as severely autistic, with the help of DLC, he on his way to graduating to a mainstream school.   He speaks Japanese and has written a baffling novel about dragons. He reads it aloud to Louis.

“What do you think?”

“er…it’s great”

Later in the piece he even manages to turn the tables on Louis by Googling his Wikipedia entry and questioning some of his achievements “Can we move on to something else?”.  Louis is with him on his first day preparing for his new school and he offers to give him a hug to calm his nerves.

“I’m not gay you know”

His mother speaks with pride about his son’s achievements and if she had a magic wand wouldn’t remove his autism as she says it defines his character.  It’s a lovely sentiment but she is afforded this luxury as she doesn’t have to treat him like a toddler every waking hour of the day. Nicky is the acceptable face of autism: funny in a Dustin Hoffman type way, able to interact with others, chock full of idiosyncrasies and the potential to make a decent life for himself.  Most sufferers aren’t that lucky.

By the end of the programme the viewer like Louis is left with “a respect bordering on awe” for parents who try and maintain a quiet dignity despite the circumstances enforced by this debilitating condition. Virtually all the parents look utterly defeated but have no choice but to battle through.

Lately we have seen Louis move further away from his tongue in cheek beginnings and he is starting to emerge has a hard hitting documentarian to rival the Nick Broomfields and the  Michael Moores of this world.  Expect more sobering insights in the second part of his Extreme Love series next week when Louis delves into the world of dementia.

You can watch the programme until May 4th here

Hose Pipe Scam

As I look out the window at the overcast skies, I see grim figures wrapped up against the cold as they traipse through the adjacent car park that is wet with rain. The trees and grass that surround the building look a healthy, verdant shade of green. It’s 8C. The scene looks more like dreary Scunthorpe than the searing Serengeti. But it’s official: we are apparently in the middle of a drought.

As of yesteday water companies in the Thames, Southern, South East, Anglian, Sutton and East Surrey, Veolia Central and Veolia South East areas have imposed a hosepipe ban on their 20 million customers. Watering gardens, washing cars and filling swimming pools with a hose are verboeten and anyone breaking this curfew will be shot at dawn by a firing squad (or they can pay fines of up to £1000).

In between splashing passersby from his rooftop pool Martin Baggs, chief executive of Thames Water, said:

"Imposing restrictions on the use of hosepipes, although regrettable, is the most sensible and responsible next step in encouraging everyone to use less water so we can maintain supplies for as long as it stays dry, and reduce the risk of more serious restrictions later in the year."


Let me break this down for you. Thames Water once state run is now owned by an Australian investment bank. In 2010/2011 it lost 665 million liters A DAY in leaks (under its OFWAT target of 674 Ml/d, whoop-de-doo). Its operating profits in 2011 were over £600 million. As a result of “hitting his targets” Baggs took home bonuses worth £1.67million. Ker-ching!

We may have had a couple of dry summers but it has hardly been like Death Valley around here. The great unwashed would be a little more understanding on the need to cut back if costs hadn’t increased to inflation busting levels and if there wasn’t such an emphasis on profits over service. Would it be too much to ask that some of the £500million that was paid to the water companies' mainly foreign shareholders for the six months to September 2011 go on much needed repairs? All of these companies are foreign owned and have traded hands a few times since their privatisation in 1989. Instead of investing in infrastructure companies have concentrated on “a fair return on the investments made”. No consolation for you Petunias I should imagine.

Being a country surrounded by water where the stuff normally pisses out of the sky on a regular basis for a good 7 months of the year you would think it impossible to be left up Sh*t Creek without the need for paddle. Build extra reservoirs, improving distribution from water rich areas up north, creation of desalination plants and upgrading the Victorian network of pipes. None of these are “viable” as they eat into profits.

How can these water companies offer such a substandard service? Well, they are state sanctioned monopolies monitored by a toothless regulatory agency in OFWAT. They can do what the f*ck they like as you have nowhere else to go. That’s not strictly true. You could buy Evian and wash in the nearest swimming baths but for me this isn’t very convenient.

I lived in Spain for a while and never heard of a hose pipe ban in the Alicante area during all the time I was there. I would wager their rainfall was less then half that of the UK. I was in Texas last summer during one of their hottest and driest periods and people will still watering their lawns without threat of sanctions. Frankly, we are a joke.

That not to say we should take the p*ss. I predict water shortages are to become a depressing reality in an increasingly populated society that lives under the looming spectre of climate change. Personally, I think water meters should be obligatory. I have one and it is the only real way to encourage users to behave sensibly. Since having it put in I won’t leave taps and showers running unnecessarily.

Now the ban is in force no one is safe from a nation of curtain-twitchers keen to grass up the neighbours they don’t get on with. Luckily, I don’t have a garden.

Exploding Helicopter - Air America

War is a nasty business but a fertile ground for Hollywood. Vietnam has been like catnip to directors keen to highlight the horrors of war whilst incorporating crowd pleasing pyrotechnics, a groovy 60’s soundtrack and casual racism. You would think that you wouldn’t get many laughs from the meaningless deaths of thousands of naïve soldiers and innocent civilians but you underestimate the power of the silver screen. Like the philosophy behind the US government’s misguided crusade against communism which plunged Laos into civil war when the US decided to use it as a strategic base to repel infiltrating North Vietnamese forces , sometimes as a director, you’ve got to break a few grisly eggs to make a laughter omelette.

The movie itself is based on Christopher Robbins’ inside story about the secret CIA funded airline “Air America” which at its peak had the biggest air fleet in the world and ran high risk logistical missions out of Laos in support of the war against the Commies. Staffed by hell-raisers and trouble-junkies that didn’t fit into civilised society their motto “Anything, Anytime, Anywhere” soon referred to more than the shipping humanitarian cargo for the war effort.

Robert Downey Jnr plays Billy Covington one such wide-eyed loose cannon, lured to Laos on the promise of exotic adventure and steady work after losing his job back in the US. He teams up with wily vet Gene Ryack (Mel Gibson) who takes him under his wing and opens his eyes to the clusterf*ck unfurling before them. Turns out the Air America boys are complicit in a CIA backed heroin smuggling operation financing the local anti-Communist warlord’s private army. But that’s OK ‘cos they’re the good guys.

Much like the US government’s criteria regarding entering foreign conflicts, here at EHHQ we like to bend the rules. It would have been churlish to exclude a film awash with helicopters on a trifling matter such as a lack of a decent explosion or pretty much any pyrotechnics whatsoever. Wait come back!

When his landing gear fails on a routine delivery, Downey crash lands his cargo plane in a remote Japanese airstrip. Gibson is in the vicinity and hovers down in an UH-1H Huey in an attempt to extract him from the gook-infested jungle. The commotion enables “hostiles” to pin-point their location and they start to strafe the chopper with bullets. A shot penetrates the gearbox and the loss of oil pressure proves too much and the chopper goes down quicker then Paris Hilton in a hotel lift.

“I crash better then anyone I know” Gibson reassures us

The bullet riddled chopper smashes through the tree line losing tail and rotors and comes to rest horizontally in the bows of a tree. There is corny exchange of action comedy banter between the two about who is going to jump down first ending with both of them jumping a good 100ft down to the ground without so much as a twisted ankle. Predictably as soon as they are clear of the landing zone the rest of the wreckage crashes down from the tree onto the jungle floor.

Artistic merit

Director Roger Spottiswoode graces us with beautifully shot film (director of photography Roger Deakins could make a ninety minute montage of turds look like 2001:A Space Odyssey) chock full of airplanes and countless helicopters and even has a number of expensive looking explosions scattered at important points in the film.  Despite this elaborate and drawn out set piece he drops the ball big time when it comes to bringing these two action staples together. There were high level talks within the team as to whether this film could even be included in these hallowed pages due to its lack of bona fide chopper fireball. I think there is enough smoke, sparks and damage to the chopper to justify it. But only just.

Exploding helicopter innovation

I haven’t seen any type of motorised transport wedged in a tree since the Jurassic Park jeep incident. I pretty sure this is a helicopter first.

Do passengers survive?

Yes, going by the principle that leading men rarely if ever come a cropper in a chopper, both Gibson and Downey jump down and away from the falling wreckage and live to wisecrack another day.

Positives

For ostensibly a light hearted action comedy there is a surprising amount of social and political commentary hidden in the typical high octane japery. Yes, its fairly superficial stuff (more M*A*S*H then All The President’s Men) but kudos to scriptwriter John Eskow for including as much pinko-loving anti war propaganda as the studios would allow.

There are some nice turns by go-to oriental stalwart Bert Kwouk as the crooked Laotian warlord General Lu Soong and a pre Scrubs Ken Jenkins is entertaining as hard ass Major Donald Lemond who tries to make a patsy out of Downey.

The film has been universally panned by all and sundry but I quite enjoyed it.

Negatives

Spottiswoode had the perfect opportunity to lay a big explosion on us when the cockpit hits the ground but he bottles it. Perhaps he had blown the budget on coke and hookers for Downey’s trailer. Inexcusable.

Also nothing much has the appearance of 1969. It looks far too contemporary. What has the man got against long hair and sideburns?

Favourite Quote:

“I’ll kick your whirlybird ass you little airborne piece of sh*t”

Interesting Fact:

Sean Connery and Kevin Costner were originally pencilled in for the roles of Gibson and Downey but proved too expensive. Costner would struggle to get a paper round these days. In fact his biggest audience in the last 10 years was at Whitney Houston's funeral.

Exploding Helicopter - The Sentinel

Michael Douglas is Pete Garrison, a been-there-done-that Secret Service vet who once “took a bullet” for Reagan and is now tasked with protecting President Ballatine (David Rasche) from a multitude of nutcases who see the US president as The Great Satan. As Douglas insists that all his films must include gratuitous sex scenes his character ends up having an affair with the First Lady (Kim Basinger) and this leads to him being manipulated and framed for an assassination attempt by an ex-KGB “mole” from within the service.

The protector then becomes the quarry as he has to prove his innocence by finding the rogue agent whilst being pursued by squinty eyed protégé David Breckinridge (Kiefer Sutherland) who is letting a personal beef cloud his judgement. Think of it as a poor man’s The Fugitive meeting a poor man’s 24.

Director Clark Johnson has impeccable small screen credentials having been at the helm on Homicide, The Shield and The Wire but he is sadly let down by a script with more holes then a slice of Emmental. No amount of obtuse camera angles and kinetic direction can hide the confused plot (Sutherland starts hating Douglas for having slept with his wife but just forgets this fact and becomes his best friend again when he is on the run), implausible behaviour (right after the President has been attacked by machine-gun welding maniacs the First Lady strolls unprotected into the middle of the shoot out and is captured) and poorly fleshed out characters (Eva Longoria’s rookie Jill Marin could have been played with as much gusto by a Topshop mannequin).

Despite a couple of passable performances by Douglas and Sutherland the film is a major disappointment. When the mole is uncovered the results are about as thrilling as a rainy weekend in Margate.

I have reviewed many turkeys which have been redeemed (at least in part) by a decent helicopter explosion. Here we get the double kick in the balls that are an underwhelming film combined with a lacklustre chopper fireball.

El Presidente is at Camp David pressing flesh with foreign dignitaries and arrives in style in the huge VH -3D Sea King presidential chopper (which is excitingly named Marine One). As it leaves Camp David we see a panoramic shot of it in the distance and without any warning or preamble a missile snakes up from the tree line and hits the chopper. It seems to explode in slow motion and breaks into two. We do not see anything but the briefest of close ups on impact and we do not see the wreckage hit the floor. The whole thing is over in a flash.

Artistic merit

This a spectacularly poor effort with not only a bodged explosion rendered from a distance in disappointingly obvious CGI but with a confusing preamble which makes it feel like the scene was stitched in at the wrong point in the movie.

Exploding helicopter innovation

First time Marine One has ever been destroyed? I’ll be honest I’m guessing here. I think we'll consider this particular explosion an unnovation.

Do passengers survive?

We don’t know for sure but seeing as no major characters are on board no doubt they died a fiery and unpleasant death.

Positives

Without doubt Michael Douglas has the finest head of hair in the Secret Service. Period.

Negatives

It feels as they must have cut a key scene out in the preamble to the downing of Marine One. Perhaps in a misguided attempt to give added gravitas to the explosion, the lack of exposition only adds to the general confusion and half-arsed nature of the story.

Favourite Quote:

David Breckinridge: “Pete Garrison was my best friend. Until he slept with my wife.”

Interesting Fact:

Apparently George Nolfi’s script had done the rounds in Hollywood before being green lit and distributed in 2006. This might go some way to explaining the use of Russian baddies. Sooooooo 80’s.