So the Oscars are here? Big fucking deal. You may think there are more important things to worry about in the world. But rememeber, after a day's hard slaughtering even mad genocidal maniacs like Gaddafi like nothing better then to uncork a nice Merlot, kick back, relax and watch Hot Tub Time Machine.
Usually the Academy succumbs to the usual combination of shameless promotion and peer pressure to pick an undeserving winner but this year's short list is possibly one of the best in Oscar history so even a bad choice is going to have some merit.
I was suprised to discover that I have watched 8 out of the 10 films nominated for this Sunday's 83rd Academy Awards so who better to give you a quick run down. I obviously have far too much time on my hands.
Story
Natalie Portman is a mentally and dietary imbalanced ballerina desperate to attain perfection as the lead in Swan Lake whilst copping off with all and sundry. Contains a memorable lesbian scene with Mila Kunis that all film connosieurs will appreciate for it artistic merits. 13 year old boys will appreciate the multiple jugs.
Any good?
Fantastic if at times fantastical, this is a strong contender to win as Portman has already picked up a Golden Globe. Director Aranofsky's leaves you guessing as to whether the demons plaguing Portman are real or imaginary. Vincent Cassell provides great support as an OTT bastard with his own version of the casting couch.
Story
James Franco plays an egotistical climber who gets stuck down a hole for 127 hours and then chops off his arm. The end.
Any Good?
Visually this one of the most interesting nominees powered by the two man dynamo of director Danny Boyle, squeezing the last drop of claustrophobia and suspense from the paper thin plot (criminally he did not get nominated for best director) and Franco's acting masterclass ensuring the film is more then a novelty amputation tutorial.
Story
Buzz, Woody and the gang find they are surplus to requirements when Andy goes to college to take massive amounts of drugs and to have sex with as many drunken freshers as possible before settling down to a life of domestic drudgery. Probably.
Any Good?
There is no doubt that Pixar has changed the face of animation forever but a "cartoon" winning an Oscar? The Actors Guild would choke on their smoked salmon. Along with Up it might the greatest animated film ever made with and ending that will leave a lump in the throat of even the hardest of bastards.
Story
Grim thriller set in a bleak Missouri backwater sees a young girl try to find her drug dealing hillibilly father or face being evicted from her home. Viewing not advisable for those on anti-depressants.
Any Good?
I'll be honest, I haven't seen this. I've just watched the trailer. Looked alright. With a greenhorn director and a cast of unknowns this is the Acadamy's nod to the indie scene. Chances of winning? When Helena Bonham Carter skates over the surface of hell this might have a chance.
Story
Subtitled Even Nerds Can Be Bastards When There is Money Involved this is the sexed-up version of how Facebook evolved from a childish tool rating the "hotness" of Harvard undergraduates to the uber-succesful refuge for nosey/bored/needy workers/housewives/students (delete as appropriate)
Any Good?
Funny, interesting and very now it is a strong contender for the Oscar thanks in no small part to the not unconsiderable lobbying by industry heavyweight Scott Rudin. Even Justin Timberlake looks credible in this film. Would be a worthy winner if it does get the nod.
Part 2 to follow shortly...
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