Friday, 14 October 2011

The Greatest Movie Assholes In The World ...Ever Part 3

Film: Mad Max 2 - The Road Warrior
Character : Wesley "Wez" Zonault
Actor: Vernon Wells

Way before Mel Gibson became a anti-Semitic alcoholic he actually made some decent films. Mad Max 2 was the low budget dystopian actioner set in the Australian outback where marauding gangs roamed the lawless desert looking for innocents to plunder. You know who the good guys are because they wear white/cream. The marauding gangs on the other hand look like a post-apocalyptic version of the Village People.

Second in command Wez is a rare example of homosexual asshole. Dressed in studded leather, shoulder pads and a red Mohican director George Miller really rams home the gay angle. The only thing missing is a droopy moustache.

With his lover Golden Youth in tow Wez enjoys nothing more then watching people suffer and chasing his victims around like he is on safari. Not that Wez is a big fan of soap but if he asked you to pick it up you probably would.

A creature of instinct Wez is an unhinged nutcase and doesn't qualify as an asshole due to his withering put-downs but because he looks like a complete tit and will happily rip out your heart for a tank of gasoline.

Favourite Quote:

(after someone is killed) *No!* *No more talk!* We go in! We kill! Kill! We kill 'em! They kill us, we kill them! Kill 'em! Kill 'em! Kill! Kill!

Asshole Rating: (out of 10) 5

Film: Weird Science
Character - Chet Donnely
Actor: Bill Paxton

John Hughes loves his assholes and no one can be a bigger jerk than an older brother (believe me, I know). Paxton does a great job as the sibling from hell in this classic 80's teen comedy where two losers create their ideal woman and bring her to life using their ZX Spectrum and a blow up doll. Sadly for the pervs among you Kelly LeBrock does not have any nude scenes in this film (Tip: you need to watch Woman in Red for that. In fact, I'm a nice guy so I will save you the hassle)

Fresh out of military-school and complete with buzz-cut and camo gear Chet blackmails his geeky brother Wyatt in return for silence after he comes home drunk with his fellow nerd Gary after a night out with their computer-generated ideal woman Lisa (LeBrock). Paxton generally bullies, abuses and makes fun of his younger brother and acts like a total dick throughout the film (a role he would later reprise as Private "Game Over Man! It's fucking game over" Hudson in Aliens.

Hughes really ups the ante for Chet's eventually comeuppance getting the magical Lisa to turn him into a giant shit-beast as punishment for bullying his younger brother and being an all round grade A-hole.

Favourite Quote:

"You two doggie dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue."

Asshole Rating: 8

Film: Falling Down
Character: Nick the Nazi
Actor: Frederic Forrest

You know the feeling when you have had a bad day, you lose your job, abandon your car on the motorway, smash up a shop, beat up some gang members with a baseball bat, kill a store owner and ultimately take your estranged wife and children hostage on a pier? No? Michael Douglas does in this classic crime-drama by Joel Schumacher where he rails against life's petty rules and ultimately loses the plot big time.

Douglas does all the things we wished we could do when told at 11:03 that the breakfast menu is no longer being served or being refused change by a shop-owner unless he buys something.

On his cross town implosion, Douglas falls into an Army surplus store owned by one of the most memorable assholes in cinema history. Dressed in military fatigues and with some strange vocal tics, Nick not only is homophobic, racist, anti-Semitic Nazi but he has in own stash on World War II memorabilia in his back room. After abusing a couple of "pumpkins" in his store he offers Douglas a rocket launcher from his weapons hoard after hearing about him for shooting up "a bunch of niggers" at the Whammy Burger.

When Douglas rejects joining forces Nick he gets irate and tries to handcuff him and shop him to the police.

"You' re going to jail, motherfucker! How's that for freedom? Freedom to get fucked up the ass by some big buck nigger."

Douglas has other ideas and manages to free himself, stab and then shoot him. Frederic Forrest scenes are sadly much too short as he is the best character in the film but as they say a flame that burns twice as bright lasts half as long.

I'm not the only one with whom Nick has made an impression. There are quite a few website offering soundboards of his perceived wisdom

Favourite Quote:

Well, well. Hiking boots, huh? Let's see what we got. These are the top of the line. Scientifically engineered and all that crap. Guaranteed by some Sierra Club asshole not to hurt a chipmunk if you step on it. Personally, I think they're for pussies and faggots! Now these are Vietnam jungle boots. Cost half as much, last twice as long and are great for stomping queers!

Asshole rating: 8

Film: American Psycho
Character: Patrick Bateman
Actor- Christian Bale

Movie law dictates that assholes can never be leading men. They are almost always minor supporting characters injected into the script to add a bit of flavour or moments of comic levity. In American Psycho those rules are well and truly broken as we get a joyous douchey performance for the entire duration of the film.

Bale plays Patrick Bateman and anally retentive, pretentious, narcissistic scumbag living the pampered life of a wealthy commodities trader and the secret life of a serial killer. Eighties Yuppies make the best assholes, especially ones that find deep hidden meanings in Huey Lewis records.

Bateman literally has no redeeming qualities. There is the cheating on his fiancée, the obsessing about moisturiser or the quality of his business cards, the backstabbing of his friends (who are all assholes as well)and of course the killing. He is an absolute joy to watch.

Also as an added bonus unlike most films containing an asshole, Bateman does not get his long await comeuppance and seemingly gets away with all the carnage as even his lawyer does not take his confession seriously such is the vacuous world they all inhabit.

If you want to have an instant taste of Bateman's insanity click here

Favourite Quote:

"Take the lyrics to "Land of Confusion". In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. "In Too Deep" is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as, uh, anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole."

Asshole Rating: 9

Film: Aliens
Character: Carter Burke
Actor: Paul Reiser

There is nothing that says asshole more then a corporate whore willing to forgo morals in favour of a promotion. Carter Burke is the ultimate company man putting profits above people and sliming his way into persuading Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) to return to doomed planet LV426, a planet he purposely had colonized knowing its inhabitants would be wiped out, on a promise that any aliens found there would be destroyed.

Of course this is bullshit and Burke's only really interested is capturing another alien alive for its bio-weapon making potential. In his eyes the team is "expendable" providing it will give him a boost up the career ladder.

Reiser plays the role with all the slick despicability of a duplicitous politician; saying one thing and doing the opposite. When the marines get marooned and shut down his plans to capture an alien alive he covertly releases a face hugger into the Medi-lab with the hope of impregnating one of group in order to make it easier to transport a hidden specimen back through quarantine.

When that plan gets rumbled and the aliens attack Burke selfishly locks the group in with killers as he makes his escape on his own. Reiser plays the asshole with such skill that the audience is overjoyed when he gets his much deserved comeuppance at the hands of a hungry alien.

Favourite Quote:

Look, Ripley, this is a multi-million dollar installation. He can't make that kind of decision. He's just a grunt!

Asshole Rating: 8

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