Sunday, 26 August 2012

Hamilton's Water Breaks

You may have noticed I haven't been blogging as much lately.  You may think this a blessed relief for your eyeballs.  To those that think that I say

"Screw you pal, why are reading this then?  Go and waste your time jerking off to random holiday snaps on Facebook instead".

You still here? Great.

The reason is work.  We are fuckng busy. Less staff and more problems = multiple pains in my derriere.  Its so inconsiderate of my company to restrict my creative juices with their demands to come into the office and show my face and tap some buttons on a computer.

Anyways, I digress.  Something rather odd happened to me last week.  I was asked to star in my company's corporate video.  We are rebranding and have to showcase the company to prospective suitors.  It is good to know these film star looks haven't been completely wasted.

Rebranding is a very post modern palrour trick, a triumph of style over substance if you will. Dressing up the same old shit in order to confuse people into thinking they are getting a new and improved product i.e its not rat poison its Destructorat 2000. Sounds great but it'll still kill you, and it's still the same old shit. But hey it works as most to the public are sheep and at least it keeps hoardes of marketing tossers from burglarising your house.

The deal was I would be interviewed on camera in the office about how great the company is and then I would be whisked away to a scenic spot in the woods of East Sussex to throw shapes and pose for the camera like some Aldi Peter Andre. Either that or be be gang raped.  Luckily the film crew were tired so we just stuck to the filming.

Instead of setting up in one of the meeting rooms the crew set up smack in the middle of the office so I had lights and cameras on me whist everyone else was working. As you would appreciate this makes one feel rather self concious. What proceeded was a series of questions about what I did, why we were great and why I loved my colleagues.  My corporate bullshitometer was overloaded when asked what was the "funnest" thing about working here.  I had to be honest and say that "fun" is not a word I associated with work. "Tolerable" was the best I could do.

Once the interview was out the way I was taken to a little village 10 mins away for the Alan Partridge montage of me going about my daily business.  Here's me sitting on a bench looking pensively  into the middle distance. Here's me by the duck pond idly checking out the Koi carp. Here's me walking down the street without a care in the world.

"Can we do that one again?" said the director a pleasant, diminutive fellow from Manchester

"This time I want you to look content. But not smug.  Imagine that you have just been given a big bag of Haribo"

I'm sure you've heard the usual schpiel from actresses or muscians saying that shooting a promo film isn't glamourous.  A lot of waiting around followed by brief, intense bursts of action.  They aren't being modest, it really is quite boring.  Most of the time you are just a piece of meat pushed and pulled into what position the director feels satisfies his "vision". 

Multiple takes are needed of the same shot or slight changes of camera angle to help with the edit. The guys in my case were scheduled to film for 3 days to get a 3 minute finished product.  That's a lot of faffing about.

Plus, being filmed is a very bizarre concept when you think about.  A bunch of people hanging around staring at another bunch of people, for hours whilst no-one does much at all. I'm sure it will turn out great after they edit and whack on an emotive soundtrack.  I did suggest RATM's Killing In The Name Of and they said they would take it under consideration.

Availale at cinemas near you from September

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